Abp. Chaput to Youth: Our Sexual Appetites Do Not Define Us

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No matter how many dozens of Netflix-and-chill nights you and your long-term partner have had together, there’s something that keeps you tuning in for more. But just as individuals age and change over time, the same goes for your sex life: What turned you on when you first made it Facebook official might not be the same for you now.
Experts say that the key to a happy, fulfilling sex life with a long-term S.O. is changing things up and making your own new sex “rules” as you go along. But of course, these “rules” aren’t hard and fast, and they don’t stay stagnant; they grow and change with your relationship. Just as a casual relationship might progress to commitment (and, for some, children), your sex life can shift in tandem with your ever-shifting partnership.
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Couples who stay in long-term, happy relationships usually prioritize sex and even put it on their calendars, says Nagoski.

“Some people hear that and think, ‘Well that’s not really romantic, how much can your partner want you if they have to schedule it?’” she says. “But is there anything we do in our lives that’s important to us that we don’t schedule?”

Nagoski says scheduling sex gives you time to eliminate any stressors that are hitting your brake, whether it’s work-related stress or making sure the house is clean.

“There is preparation time where you can do whatever it takes for you to reduce your stress levels or get your accelerator warmed up,” she says.

Avoid the ‘chasing dynamic’

You want sex. Your partner doesn’t. Or so it seems. Often, when one partner wants sex, it isn’t about a desire for pleasure — it’s about a need for intimacy, she says.

“They want the connection, they want the acceptance, they want to feel wanted by their partner, and it can feel scary when your partner continues to say ‘no.’ What are they saying no to? Are they just saying no to the sex or are they saying no to all of me?”

If your partner doesn’t seem interested, don’t assume it’s because they aren’t attracted to you, says Nagoski. Chances are, they’re just overwhelmed.

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