Recently on Women of Grace® Live, I received a call from a woman we’ll call Sandy. She shared that not long ago she “did something” she deeply regretted. She told us that she had confessed this “something” several times but could not forgive herself. She was sick of heart and this disposition was clearly evidenced in her voice.
First, I asked my listening audience to join me in prayer for Sandy and then I offered her some thoughts to ponder. Shortly thereafter, I received an email from someone who was listening that day. He expressed that he found the advice helpful in his life as well.
The fact is many have suffered, are suffering, or will suffer with the guilt of a sin. How do we look at the mistakes we have made? Can they be stepping stones to a deeper relationship with God rather than chains that bind us to bad decisions? Let me share with you some of the insights I offered Sandy.
First, we cannot forgive ourselves, but we can receive forgiveness. An oft-quoted tenet of popular psychology is this idea of “forgiving ourselves.” Forgiveness is a gift that is offered from one person to another. Therefore, we cannot forgive ourselves. We can, however, receive forgiveness and a good confession gives us this opportunity. God’s mercy is infinite and it is there for us. We cannot exhaust God’s mercy and no sin is greater than it. Our problem is not in forgiving ourselves but in accepting God’s mercy. How do we do this?
Strategy: Each time we begin to feel overwhelmed by our past sin or despondent or depressed or despairing, APPLY the mercy we have received through the sacrament. The best way to do this is to praise God for it – literally. Ejaculations and spontaneous prayer expressing our gratitude to God, expressing our awe at His infinite goodness takes our focus off our sin and places it back on God’s love for us. This is healing and helps us make use of the sacramental graces we have received.
Second, know the difference between remorse and morbid guilt. Remorse is a necessary emotion and an appropriate one to experience when we have done something we deeply regret. And, it is an especially important emotion to experience when we have offended God.
Remorse is a useful emotion as well. It increases our resolve and stimulates the virtue of fortitude. Additionally, its “pang of remembrance” helps us stand firm in the face of temptation.
Morbid guilt, on the other hand, is a useless and potentially devastating emotion. It is a tactic of the evil one. God is our liberator and the means He uses is forgiveness. The evil one is a jailer and the means he uses is bondage. God’s liberation comes through His mercy. The evil one’s bondage comes through morbid guilt. Remorse leads to conversion, inner peace and hope. Morbid guilt leads to fear, scrupulosity, and despair. Out of which are we operating?
Strategy: Morbid guilt is a spiritual battle and we need to use the weaponry and defenses of spiritual warfare. James 4: 7 gives us good guidance: “Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil and he will flee.” Practically speaking, this means we choose sides. Our reasoning may well go like this: “I choose God. If I am on God’s side then I submit to His plan. In this battle, His plan for me is mercy. I choose the mercy of God rather than the condemnation of the enemy.” The devil cannot stand up under this frontal assault. As the passage tells us, he will flee. Then we use the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God . Recall that Jesus wielded this sword with precision when Satan tempted Him in the desert. We would do well to follow His example.
Third, stop ruminating. To have an unhealthy fixation regarding our sin or offense can be devastating. Through the sacramental graces, God is healing us. His mercy and unconditional love is a sweet balm that soothes and makes whole. By allowing our mind to replay our error over and over again, we disturb the delicate process of renewal that is taking place within us. It is like picking a scab off of a wound – not only do we retard the healing process but in many cases we prolong it or thwart it altogether.
Strategy: The Rosary is a great prayer to help us overcome this tactic. Asking for Our Lady’s intercession as we meditate on the mysteries of Christ’s life restores our confidence in God’s mercy and helps us see the gift that is ours in Him.
Finally, believe the truth – God loves you. Sometimes we cannot believe that God can love us once we have sinned greatly. Nothing is further from the truth. By His very nature, God must love you because He is Love. If He didn’t love you, He would no longer be God. He loves you without condition. And there isn’t anything you can do to change that. Nor is there anything you can do to earn it. He loves you, and that is that. Accept it. Experience it. Live in it. Share it with others.
Strategy: Scripture tells us that all of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Roman 3:37). But, we don’t have to stay in our sin, grovel in it, and despair because of it. Through His Son, Jesus Christ, the Father has made provision for us. Let us make use of the provision He has so lovingly provided.
Copyright © 2009 Johnnette S. Benkovic. All rights reserved.
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