Couples who stay in long-term, happy relationships usually prioritize sex and even put it on their calendars, says Nagoski.

“Some people hear that and think, ‘Well that’s not really romantic, how much can your partner want you if they have to schedule it?’” she says. “But is there anything we do in our lives that’s important to us that we don’t schedule?”

Nagoski says scheduling sex gives you time to eliminate any stressors that are hitting your brake, whether it’s work-related stress or making sure the house is clean.

“There is preparation time where you can do whatever it takes for you to reduce your stress levels or get your accelerator warmed up,” she says.

Avoid the ‘chasing dynamic’

You want sex. Your partner doesn’t. Or so it seems. Often, when one partner wants sex, it isn’t about a desire for pleasure — it’s about a need for intimacy, she says.

“They want the connection, they want the acceptance, they want to feel wanted by their partner, and it can feel scary when your partner continues to say ‘no.’ What are they saying no to? Are they just saying no to the sex or are they saying no to all of me?”

If your partner doesn’t seem interested, don’t assume it’s because they aren’t attracted to you, says Nagoski. Chances are, they’re just overwhelmed.