Commentary by Susan Brinkmann, OCDSA Reddit user known only as “M” posted a heartbreaking letter to the father of the baby she aborted and revealed a poignant glimpse into the inner conflicts faced by women who are too often left alone to deal with unplanned pregnancies.
The full text of the letter is as follows:
“To the father of the baby I aborted, I'm sorry that I didn't include you in my decision. I should have and I regret it to this day. Telling you crossed my mind. Everyday... it still does. But in my way I thought that'd I'd protect you from the panic, fear, and dread that I felt.
“See I was scared. Scared that you'd reject me... even more scared that you would agree with my decision. I was scared of possibly seeing the look of disgust and hatred on your face. I was scared that you would blame me. I was scared that you would hate the life inside of me.
“But I was also scared that you would change my mind. I was scared that you would convince me everything would work out. I was scared that you would offer your support. I was scared that you would take its side. I was scared.
“I convinced myself that I didn't need to confide in you, that you had no say. I was convinced that it wouldn't have worked, that neither of us were cut out to be parents. I was convinced that you would ditch me if I made the decision to keep it. I was convinced that you would be like my dad and that I would have to do it all on my own. I was convinced that you already had your life and wouldn't want the added pressure of two more. I was convinced that I was right, and I didn't need your opinion.
“And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you because that life was half of you. I'm sorry that I didn't confide in you and face my fears. I'm sorry that you didn't get a chance to say goodbye... or even say hello. I'm sorry that you missed the opportunity to be a father. I'm sorry that you didn't get a choice.
“But you never knowing... i may have saved you the endless thoughts, the deep ridden regret, the aching emptiness as the due date draws near. I may have saved you the guilt of being free of that responsibility and pressure. I may have saved you the anger and fear. But I may have deprived you of one of the greatest joys in your life just as I have done to myself. And there are no words to explain how cruel and selfish I was in making that decision without you... there are no words to express an apology with the utmost sincerity. Please forgive me. -M.”
Thus far, 18 people have commented on the post, with some criticizing her for posting the note on Reddit rather than sending it to the father (which she may have done although this is not stated).
One commenter wrote: “This still seemed to be all about you, it's lacking heart. I'm sorry and I'm ready for downvotes, but just tell him, don't post it on reddit. You really feel bad do something real with it, not this.”
Another commenter named Susan102 said “it’s entirely understandable that [the author] had an abortion without telling the father about it. Personally, I don’t think she has anything to apologize for.”
The author obviously did. In the 425-word letter, she uses the word “sorry” seven times, and the word “scared” 11 times, making her fear and regret are almost palpable in the passage. And it's impossible to miss the internal war she was having with herself over whether she should allow herself to respond to her feminine instincts and “want” this baby. Even after listing all the reasons why abortion will spare the father (and herself) from the guilt and pressure of raising a child, she also admits that “I may have deprived you of one of the greatest joys in your life just as I have done to myself.”
The saddest part about this letter is its aftermath - the father will never know his child and the author is now destined to live out her life with this same internal conflict playing over and over again in her mind and heart like a terribly sad ending to what could have been a really great movie.
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